Friendships are an important part of adolescence, offering young people a sense of belonging, connection, and support as they begin figuring out who they are. But peer relationships can also become a significant source of stress. While conflict is a normal part of any friendship, there is a difference between an occasional disagreement and a pattern of behavior that leaves an adolescent feeling anxious, isolated, controlled, or consistently worse about themselves.
The CDC found that 16% of U.S. high school students experienced electronic bullying in 2023. Meanwhile in Tennessee, more than one in five high school students reported being bullied on school property in 2023, while more than one in six reported experiencing electronic bullying through texting, social media, or other digital platforms.
Parents should understand the difference between normal arguments and toxic friendships. It’s normal for teens and pre-teens to have disagreements, misunderstandings, and experience the challenges of a relationship. Arguments, hurt feelings, and occasional conflict are normal parts of learning how to communicate and build relationships. But when a friendship consistently leaves your child feeling anxious, excluded, controlled, or demeaned, it may be more than a typical peer conflict. Understanding the difference between normal disagreements and toxic friendships can help parents recognize when their child needs support, and how to offer it without making them feel judged or misunderstood.
Normal Friendship Conflict vs. an Unhealthy Friendship
While disagreements, jealousy, hurt feelings, and changing social dynamics are normal parts of adolescent friendships, it’s important to note if the same problems are happening repeatedly, don’t get resolved, or begin affecting your adolescent’s mood and day to day. Healthy friendships can still include periods of distance or disagreements about boundary, but if the friendship shows repeated patterns of control, fear, humiliation, exclusion, manipulation, or emotional distress, then it might be time to check in.
“Look for patterns,” said Jessica Ruderman, therapist at Embrace U Knoxville. “Teen relationships are really hard and can turn unhealthy pretty quickly due to the part of the brain that utilizes reason, logic, and critical thinking still developing. Ask questions and be open to just listening to tell if it is everyday ‘drama’ or falling into unhealthy patterns.”
| Normal Friendship Conflict | Unhealthy Friendship Conflict |
| Friends may disagree sometimes, but they listen to each other and try to understand. | One friend controls who the other person talks to or spends time with. |
| Hurt feelings happen occasionally, but both people can apologize and move on. | Problems happen over and over and never really get solved. |
| Friends may need space sometimes, but they still respect each other’s boundaries. | One friend uses guilt, fear, or manipulation to get their way. |
| Jealousy or misunderstandings may happen, but they are talked through respectfully. | The friendship causes constant stress, anxiety, sadness, or fear. |
| Both people feel valued, included, and able to be themselves. | One friend humiliates, excludes, insults, or puts down the other person. |
Signs a Friendship May Be Becoming Unhealthy
If you have a feeling that your child might be experiencing an unhealthy friendship, pay attention to the signs and changes in your own child first.
Potential signs to look out for can include:
- Your child’s mood changes after interacting with a particular friend: your child regularly feel anxious, angry, embarrassed, drained, or upset after spending time with or interacting with a specific friend.
- Your child seems afraid of upsetting the friend: they constantly worry about saying the wrong thing, being left out, or losing their friendship.
- The friendship feels controlling: the friend dictates who they can talk to, what they can do, what they should wear or post, or pressures them into choosing sides.
- There is constant criticism disguised as joking: teasing repeatedly and targeting insecurities, appearance, intelligence, family, interests, etc.
- Your child’s boundaries aren’t respected: they feel pressured to share passwords, locations, secrets, photos, money, belongings, or participate in things that make them feel uncomfortable.
- The friendship repeatedly involves exclusion or manipulation: deliberately excluding them as a form of punishment or using phrases like, “if you were really my friend, you would…”
- Social media makes the dynamic worse: group chats, Snap Map/location sharing, public comments, screenshots, unfollowing, or excluding from posts can make friendship conflicts feel impossible to escape.
“It is not uncommon for adolescents to focus the majority of their attention on one friend, but isolating to only that one friendship could be a sign it is an unhealthy friendship,” said Ruderman. “Watch for changes like increased irritability, shutting down when a particular friend is mentioned, or consistently deferring on one friend before making decisions.”
Why It Can Be So Hard for Adolescents to Walk Away
As adults, we can recognize unhealthy friendships and place appropriate boundaries or simply walk away. However, since many adolescents are still learning peer relationship dynamics and how to navigate them, they may not recognize that the friendship itself could be contributing to how they’re feeling.
“Teens often don’t realize when a friendship is making them feel sad or insecure, so they don’t know or recognize that relationship as the trigger,” said Ruderman.
There can also be factors such as:
- Fear of being alone
- Wanting to belong
- Shared friend groups
- Fear of retaliation or gossip
- Low self-esteem
- History with the friend
- Social media making separation difficult
- Believing intense friendship dynamics are normal
“Teens are very socially motivated, so acceptance and inclusion are the foundation of how they identify who they are,” said Ruderman. “Teens tend to think very literally and have some black and white thinking such as, ‘If Susie gets mad at me, then everyone else will too.’”
So, What Does a Healthy Friendship Look Like?
We now know what an unhealthy friendship looks like and the signs to look for in our children, but what are some of the green flags to look for in a healthy friendship?
Some of the green flags of a healthy adolescent friendship include “respecting boundaries, open communication, willingness to listen, balanced time together, encouraging and not judging, and consistency,” according to Ruderman.
Fostering healthy friendships doesn’t mean that two people never disagree. Rather, it means that there’s enough respect and communication between the two to navigate the disagreement in a way where neither party feels scared, diminished, or overlooked. Friendships are exceptionally healing and necessary for all humans regardless of age, but being able to decipher a red flag friendship from a green flag is of utmost importance.
How Parents Can Talk About a Friendship Without Pushing Their Child Away
Since unhealthy friendships can cause your child to be unintentionally agitated towards you, it’s important to approach any fragile conversation with curiosity and no judgement.
“Expect defensiveness going in and be open to hearing their side of what makes it a ‘good’ relationship for them,” said Ruderman.
You can ask questions like, “How do you usually feel after you hang out with them?” or “What happens when you tell them no?” or “What do you think a good friend should make you feel like?” Listen first before trying to problem solve and allow for your child to recognize the toxic patterns themselves. Don’t immediately try to get rid of the problematic friend.
“Avoid limiting access without an explanation,” said Ruderman. “Adolescents are naturally and developmentally curious about all things.”
Simply saying “You’re not allowed to see them anymore” may not help your child understand what’s concerning about the relationship. Instead, you can try saying, “I’ve noticed that you seem really upset after you spend time with them lately. Have you noticed that too?” This type of question allows for the natural progression of a conversation to develop without having your adolescent shut down and avoid talking about the problem.
Helping Your Child Build Healthier Friendship Boundaries
How can you help your child build healthier friendships? Very simply put, model it!
“Our kids are watching everything we do, even when we don’t think they are,” said Ruderman. “They see the type of relationships we have and how well we hold boundaries as adults. These are usually the foundations they base their own boundaries on. Modeling healthy boundary setting and healthy communication with others, while encouraging them to use the same tools, can go a long way.”
The ways in which parents can model healthier friendship boundaries may include:
- Saying no respectfully
- Accepting someone else’s “no”
- Communicating hurt without attacking
- Maintaining relationships outside one friendship
- Taking space when needed
- Respecting privacy
- Holding boundaries without guilt
“Healthy boundaries are for you, not others,” said Ruderman. “Those that truly care and view you as an important person to them will be open to healthy boundaries being set and not try to make you feel bad or guilty for setting them.”
When Friendship Problems Become a Mental Health Concern
If you notice your child starting to act differently, especially when a particular friend is mentioned or seen, then it’s worth exploring that further with your child.
“Any time you notice a shift in their day-to-day functioning, and especially if you are able to identify it has to do with friendships, then seeking additional help is helpful,” said Ruderman.
If friendship-related stress begins affecting your adolescent’s mood, relationships, school performance, or day-to-day life, they may benefit from additional support. If your child is experiencing persistent anxiety, depression, school avoidance, isolation, changes in sleep or appetite, loss of interest in activities, changes in self-esteem, or self-harm after they spend time with a friend, seeking outside support could be valuable. At Embrace U, our adolescent mental health programs provide a supportive environment where teens and pre-teens can build healthy coping skills, strengthen communication, and learn to navigate difficult relationships.
Helping Teens and Pre-Teens Recognize the Friendships They Deserve
Parents can’t prevent every friendship heartbreak, but they can help their child learn to recognize relationships built on respect, trust, boundaries, and the freedom to be themselves. Modeling healthy relationship behaviors, keeping communication open, and showing that disagreements can coexist within a healthy friendship is the perfect example to set as your child goes through the adolescent stages of friendships.
If you’re concerned about changes you’re seeing in your child, you don’t have to wait for things to reach a crisis point. Contact Embrace U to learn more about our programs and how we can support your family. You can call us directly at 833-733-4325 or schedule a free assessment to see if Embrace U is the right fit for you and your family.
