Adolescence is a time of enormous change. Teens and pre-teens are figuring out who they are, where they fit in, what matters to them, and how they want to be seen by others, all while navigating changes at school, in friendships, at home, and within themselves. It’s normal for a young person’s confidence to fluctuate during these formative years. Earning a disappointing grade, experiencing a conflict with a friend, changes in appearance, or feeling left out can temporarily affect how an adolescent sees themselves. But when self-doubt becomes persistent, it can begin to influence the way a teen or pre-teen approaches relationships, school, new experiences, and even their mental health.

According to the 2023 Tennessee Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 42.7% of Tennessee high school students reported feeling so sad or hopeless almost every day that they stopped doing some of their usual activities, which is a slightly higher percentage than the national average of 39.7%. It’s also important to note the gender difference, as well: 55% of Tennessee high school girls and 30% of Tennessee high school boys reported feeling persistent sadness or hopelessness. Considering that social comparison, bullying, and constant and immediate connection are within their fingertips, it’s not surprising that adolescents in today’s age are struggling more than the generations before them. So helping them recognize their strengths and positive contributions to the world will allow their self-esteem and confidence to naturally develop.

Healthy self-esteem does not mean an adolescent may always feel confident or never question themselves. It means developing a sense of self-worth that can withstand mistakes, setbacks, and moments of uncertainty.

Self-Esteem vs. Confidence: What’s the Difference and How to Tell if Your Child is Struggling?

Although self-esteem and confidence are often used interchangeably, they are not quite the same. Confidence is often connected to what we believe we can do. A teen may feel confident taking a test, playing a sport, performing on stage, making friends, or trying something new. Self-esteem goes deeper. It reflects how a person views their overall worth and value. A teen can be highly confident in one area while still struggling with how they feel about themselves.

Some common signs that an adolescent is struggling with their self-esteem can include:

• Frequent negative self-talk
• Comparing themselves to others
• Withdrawing from social activities
• Being overly critical in their appearance or ability
• Struggling to accept compliments
• Seeking constant reassurance
• Avoiding new experiences because of failure or judgment

“It is normal for teenagers to experience periods of insecurity as they develop their identity and navigate relationships,” said Antonay Rodgers, program administrator at Embrace U Mt. Juliet. “However, when negative feelings about themselves become persistent and begin affecting their mood, relationships, academic performance, or daily functioning, there may be a deeper concern. Parents should pay attention to patterns rather than isolated moments and create opportunities for open conversations without judgment.”

Helping adolescents develop healthy self-esteem means teaching them that their value is bigger than any single accomplishment, mistake, friendship, grade, or comparison.

The Pressure Teens Face Today

Growing up has always involved social pressure, but today’s adolescents are navigating those pressures in an environment where comparison can feel almost constant. Academic expectations may leave them feeling as though every grade matters. Changing friendships can create questions about belonging, while physical and emotional changes can make adolescents especially aware of how they are perceived by others. Adolescents may find themselves asking: Am I attractive enough? Am I smart enough? Why wasn’t I invited? Why doesn’t my life look like theirs? What if I fail? What if people don’t like me?

Social media can also expose teens to carefully curated images of other people’s appearances, friendships, achievements, and lifestyles. Social media has become deeply embedded in adolescents’ daily lives. Nationally, 77% of high school students reported using social media at least several times a day in 2023. While social media can provide opportunities for connection and self-expression, frequent, unmonitored use can also be associated with higher rates of bullying and persistent feelings of hopelessness or sadness.

“Many teens compare their everyday lives to carefully selected moments they see online,” said Rodgers. “Helping them understand that social media does not always reflect reality can support a healthier sense of self-worth.”

When adolescents begin measuring their worth primarily through approval, appearance, achievement, or comparison, confidence can become fragile. A bad grade, a negative comment, an unanswered message, or social rejection may feel less like something that happened and more like evidence that something is wrong with them. Part of building healthier self-esteem is helping adolescents separate what happens to them from who they believe they are.

Building Confidence from Inside Out

Lasting confidence is not built by convincing adolescents that they are good at everything. It develops when adolescents begin understanding themselves, recognizing their strengths, tolerating imperfection, and learning that they can handle difficult experiences.

One important part of that process is self-awareness. Adolescents benefit from identifying what they enjoy, what matters to them, what they are naturally good at, what challenges them, and what environments allow them to feel most comfortable being themselves. They also need opportunities to succeed, as well as occasionally fail, without either experience defining them.

“It is important for teenagers and pre-teens to understand that their value is not determined by grades, athletic performance, or accomplishments,” said Rodgers. “Celebrating small improvements, encouraging independence, and allowing room for mistakes can help teens develop confidence that is not dependent on external validation.”

Parents and caregivers can encourage adolescents to try new activities, develop hobbies, participate in responsibilities at home, set realistic goals, and notice progress rather than focusing only on immediate outcomes. Even small experiences of independence can reinforce the message: “I can figure things out. I can improve. I can handle this.”

“Adolescents can benefit from setting realistic daily goals, recognizing small accomplishments, practicing positive self-talk, and participating in activities that highlight their strengths and interests,” said Rodgers. “Confidence is often developed through repeated experiences of learning, growing, and overcoming challenges.”

The way adolescents speak to themselves matters, too. They can learn to recognize overly critical thoughts and challenge all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of, “I failed, so I’m terrible at this,” they can practice a more balanced response like, “That didn’t go the way I wanted, but I can learn from it.” Confidence grows through experiences like these, not because everything goes perfectly, but because adolescents begin trusting their ability to navigate what happens next.

“Encourage adolescents to take small, manageable steps outside their comfort zone while reminding them that they do not have to be perfect to be successful,” said Rodgers.

The Role of Supportive Adults

Parents, caregivers, teachers, coaches, therapists, and other trusted adults can have a powerful influence on the ways adolescents learn to see themselves. One of the most important things adults can provide is a safe place for teens and pre-teens to be imperfect. When an adolescent is struggling with confidence, the instinct may be to immediately reassure them by saying, “You’re beautiful,” “You’re smart,” or “You shouldn’t care what anyone thinks.” While the intention behind those responses is positive, sometimes adolescents need to feel understood in order to feel reassured. Instead, try approaching the conversation with curiosity and respond with:

• “What happened to make you feel that way?”
• “What do you think has been making this harder lately?”
• “What would you say to a friend who felt the way you do right now?”

“When teens are being self-critical, adults should respond with empathy rather than immediately dismissing their feelings,” said Rodgers. “Sometimes, the most important thing we can do is listen and help teens recognize that their feelings are valid, but their negative thoughts do not always reflect the truth.”

Listening without immediately correcting their feelings can help adolescents feel safe enough to explore what is underneath their self-doubt.

“Parents should avoid comparing their adolescent to siblings, peers, or their own expectations because they can unintentionally reinforce feelings of inadequacy,” said Rodgers. “It is also important to avoid focusing exclusively on appearance or achievements. Teens benefit most from consistent encouragement, emotional validation, and knowing they are valued for who they are.”

Adults can also be mindful of what they praise. Recognizing effort, persistence, kindness, creativity, courage, problem-solving, and growth can help adolescents understand that their worth extends beyond appearance, popularity, grades, or accomplishments. Additionally, adults should model healthy self-esteem themselves. Adolescents notice how the adults around them respond to mistakes, talk about their bodies, handle criticism, set boundaries, and speak about themselves, so showing self-compassion and accepting imperfection as an adult can be just as meaningful as encouraging teens and pre-teens to do the same.

Confidence Takes Time to Build

Healthy confidence is not about raising adolescents who never feel insecure. Rather, it’s about helping them develop the tools to move through insecurity without allowing it to define who they are. There will still be difficult days, friendships may change, or grades may disappoint them. They may compare themselves to others, make mistakes, or question whether they are good enough, but those moments don’t mean that they have failed or that their confidence-building efforts aren’t working. Self-esteem develops gradually through self-awareness, supportive relationships, meaningful experiences, and learning to recognize one’s own value beyond external approval.

Parents and caregivers don’t have to eliminate every insecurity their child experiences. Sometimes, the most meaningful support is creating an environment where adolescents feel heard, accepted, and safe enough to discover who they are.

“Families should consider professional support when low self-esteem begins interfering with a teen’s emotional well-being, relationships, school performance, or daily activities,” said Rodgers. “Through therapy, adolescents can learn emotional regulation, effective communication, problem-solving, and self-compassion.”

If low self-esteem, persistent self-criticism, withdrawal, anxiety, or other emotional challenges are beginning to interfere with your child’s daily life, additional support is available. At Embrace U, we provide structured mental health support for adolescents and families who may need more than traditional outpatient therapy alone.

Confidence isn’t something adolescents either have or don’t have. It is something that they can build, one experience, one challenge, and one small step at a time.